Writings and Proposal
A draft in perpetual development, towards a successful career
in the higher echelons of corporate business
Dear Sir or Madam,
Given that I have only recently graduated from college and
therefore am too young to have established a creditable professional
curriculum vitae, I submit below a brief biography, which
I hope will indicate to you my suitability for the position
which your company has recently advertised.
I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.
The art school paradigm having fully equipped me for all
that life could and would throw at me, I embarked on a trail
of ceaseless curiosity and dynamic action, seeking to inspire
and inform others. Having qualified as a better person has
allowed me to drum on every available surface with my fingers,
in public places and tell lies about trivial matters such
as the time of the day, with impunity. I have been known to
ignore the expiration date on sour cream and am often seen
removing coloured stones from other people’s gravel
driveways. I have patented two 5000 piece jigsaws, one being
Rothko’s "Red on Plum" the other Malevich’s
"White" painting. I write critical analyses of stammering
telepathics and send cheques to animal hospitals signed with
my wrestling name "Stone Stiff Heather". I sit up
when I sit down. My fright wig Topiaries astounds critics
and women swoon at my pitch perfect impressions of Loons gathering
at dusk on Lake Erie. The Wordsworth Trust consults me on
questions of grammar. I can hear the sound of fish dreaming.
Recently with a small diving crew some 250 miles out from
Madagascar in the African Ocean, I found up to 4 tons of rare
and sensitive information on Chilean bell-ringers on Zip Discs,
undisturbed and pristine. I breed prize winning Newfoundland
Turkeys and have mastered the art of changing the shape of
my head into that of a boat. For my extensive knowledge of
the Toc H organisation and my groundbreaking study of men's
tears, I received an olive from one of Frank Sinatra's Martini's.
This was sent with a note written in pencil, delivered by
one of his aides who informed me in a conspiratorial whisper,
that this was Frank's secret way of saying that he really
liked me. I can see time passing and am capable of achieving
the euphoric state of "Pancity" at will. I walk
at least 10 miles a day on my hands. I have designed perforations
for stamps and edible currencies for countries of the Third
World. My range of Teflon swimwear is bought by the top footballers
and I am extremely sensitive; on seeing tears in a painting
I shed tears. Every morning I note the movement of dew on
the northern side of stones in my garden, just in case. Using
only a Claude Glass and a metronome I relieved the siege of
a family run deli by beautiful Sambura warriors in Kenya.
I can reverse the corrosive qualities of salt. I still believe
that the guy will get the girl. I have seen Captain Beefheart's
brain. When driving on motorways, I regularly point hairdryers
at oncoming cars to make them slow down. Mothers trust me.
I have invented a hand-held device which harnesses the wasted
energy generated by a multitude of ignored everyday processes.
So far I have tapped energy from the flapping of flags, nervous
twitching, hair combing and the wagging of animals tails as
well as the hot air of committees, marketing consultants,
critics, planning boards, politicians and any other bureaucratic
bodies who have a paucity of ideas or who are inflicted with
an inability to look forward. It can also reverse the spirit
of optimists and the stubbornness of pessimists. This super
little box now supplies my house with 82.5 % of its electricity
requirements. Through the success of my many diverse exploits
I have been able to gather a small but discerning collection
of anthropological items, all with remarkable transformative
powers. This includes orphan tea pot lids, Ancient Egyptian
false eyelids made of flies legs, an Iron Age axe head etched
with a perfect impression of an unmade bed and Kurt Schwitters'
scissors. I knit with fog, juggle with soot, skip, and I jaunt.
I sleep with Gray's Anatomy. I am intimate with the movements
of Ring-Tailed Lemurs. My investigations into the complexities
of English semantics have unearthed many paradoxes such as
– the fact that quicksand works slowly, boxing rings
are square and there is no egg in eggplant. Other recent anomalies
discovered in our language include - teachers who teach but
preachers who don’t praught, the plural of tooth is
teeth and yet the plural of booth isn’t beeth. These
researches continue apace as houses continue to burn up while
they burn down, we fill in forms by filling them out and when
stars are out, they are visible, but when lights are out they
are invisible. When bored I devise surround sound audio systems
using motors from fax machines and vibrators, and my neighbours'
concave abdomens acting as receiving and transmitting dishes.
I expose charlatan art critics and dodgy curators. I ghost
write rejoinders for John Humphries. Last year I performed
my 12-hour "Concerto for Mo Mowlem and Booing At The
Audience" at the Huddersfield Contemporary Music Festival.
I translate barked obscenities for lost tourists in the Lake
District. I elude the forces of gravity. I know how noses
run and feet smell. I was born with the rare ability to produce
a high pitched hum which goes beyond the limits of human hearing,
and which in recent years, I’ve discovered to be extremely
effective in stopping the playing of inept pub jam session
bongo players. This facility, combined with a withering stare
also allows me to re-direct the flight of birds. I once read
Samuel Beckett's "Complete Dramatic Works", "The
Sublime Aside: The History of Country and Western Lyrics"
and Bateson's "Steps Towards An Ecology Of Mind"
in one day and still had time to convert the loft that evening.
Once, having been mistakenly kidnapped by Swiss bookies, I
survived their highly specialist torture technique of "Corsned"
- being forced to swallow a large piece of mouldy cheese.
Having designed a new range of camouflage for MI5 based on
the myriad types of British bricks in 1995, I am presently
engaged in researching ways to end wars by introducing a radical
new range of military uniforms based on children’s one-piece
romper suits; each nationality being represented by suitably
twee pastel shades. The idea being that all military combatants
will be so embarrassed to be seen in such attire that they
would naturally withdraw their services. I am an eye specialist.
I have spoken with John Ruskin and communicated through the
ether with Stanley Unwin. I am training bees to spell. I have
visited Glasgow and hope to do so again.